archive

a collection of my many ramblings from over the years.

3/15/2020

why can't i have boundaries or things i'd rather not burden or worry you with?
you want me to prove i trust you but how can i if you never believe me?
if anything, it feels less like i can go to you about these things...
that was my way to vent how i really feel; now i feel like i can't have that privilege anymore without hurting you

2/9/2020

i wish i could tell you these things and i know that i never would but ffs i just...
its stupid and its dumb but i find myself more often than not feeling like maybe this isnt real...
maybe this isnt reality and i'm not living my own life
that maybe this is someone else's life and i'm just going through the motions of it and i just.. wonder if it's all real.
and you wouldn't get it nor would you care if i told you; thered be no point in telling you because i'd burden you and make you worry even more about me and i cant live with that
i just want to shut up forever.. to turn it all off
would it be too late to distance myself from you? itd be for the better, we both know it
i shouldn't have gotten so close

10/15/2019

its not that i don't wanna be alive, i just dont wanna live this life.
if i could be someone else for a day... i'd be happy.
i'm sick of being myself. my ugly, disgusting self.
maybe if i had the motivation to keep up with harming myself into my own sick submission, but i'm afraid.
i tell myself to go deeper, be less scared, but in the moment i just blank.
i would love to be anyone but a selfish, ugly, hurtful cunt.
i wasn't made for this world, this life. i wasn't made to have anyone.
i'm better off alone, and it's better for everyone i love to not have me around.

6/28/2019

i'm very afraid that one day you' ll want to leave me and i wouldn't blame you.
i wouldn't force you to stay or try to convince you to change your mind;
i think i would just let you go.
i was never worthy of your love in the first place and, if anything
you'd be so much better off without my miserable self.
i'm so sorry.